Running

"What are you running TOWARD?"

I read these words a while back when I was contemplating my next big beginning of the year goal, and I loved the imagery of it. The article went on to explain that if you imagine the "reached your goal" you ahead of you cheering you on and the "icky old you" in your dust where you used to be, you'll have a more successful workout. I wanted to do that. I wanted to leave the old me in my dust and become this beautiful champion at the finish line. So we bought a treadmill. And I started, and stopped, and started, and stopped. I don't often complete things...but as I thought about this past year, I realized that I have begun to leave that 'non-finisher' in my dust...and it makes me want to CHEER!

I love running. Ten years ago I never would have said that or even thought that those words would come out of my mouth unless I was quoting someone else...and yet, today- they are mine. I LOVE running. Mostly I love how I feel when I'm done. I love how sweaty I get. I love the confidence it builds when I realize I'm actually going to reach a mini-goal (for example: finish this minute and THEN slow down.) I love appreciating nature as I'm outside, and I love the smiles of my kiddos when they come down to find me on the treadmill. I also love my shoes. I mean LOVE them. When I put them on, I feel comfortable...and ready. I feel anticipation at the work ahead of me, and excitement because I know how much I love the taste of accomplishment.

So in my goal to leave the old sloppy unfit me behind, I've actually reached another goal. It's October and I've been running since January with only minor breaks in my training. I'm healthier, I'm happier...and I'm finishing a goal I set MONTHS ago. I get to run a half-marathon in December with my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law...and I'm going to be ready. It's awesome to know I'm doing it...and I'm running towards the new me who really will be cheering as she crosses the finish line. Anything is possible!!!

You Can Do Hard Things...and so can I

We all can! I was watching Biggest Loser this evening and listening to heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story. Some made me cry, some made me shake my head in frustration with how awful people can be to people- sometimes even their own family! As I watched, I kept thinking about my own life. I'm not dealing with issues of weight loss as those contestants were, but I certainly have things I'd like to change- some habits that probably do cause upset in my family. If I finished what I started, we'd always have a clean home. We'd always have a balanced meal each evening that I'd lovingly prepared. We'd have perfectly well behaved children because I would never get frustrated and would calmly and fairly deal with each and every situation that required correction...

But that's not real life. I don't finish what I start- at least not yet. But I CAN do hard things. I've done things way harder in my past than just finish what I start. Holding my son as he passed away was hard. Explaining what was happening over the phone to my husband who was on a business trip with no flights left to catch that evening to make it before our son passed was harder. Looking into the eyes of my sweet two year old who had just lost his twin brother and having to explain that he was going to help take care of the new baby while his brother went to help Jesus in Heaven was harder than that. But I did them. And the last one I even did with a smile so my little guy would know it was ok. I wasn't ok- but I knew I wasn't alone.

The Lord will never leave us alone. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to turn to Him in time of trial and to rely on his guidance and open arms. He wants to hear our prays where we sob and pour our heart out...and he wants to send peace immediately thereafter. He does! I know He does. So many times I've felt the outpouring of His love.

As I watched the show tonight, I thought about the wishes I had for those people. "Believe in yourself! You can do it! Just take it one day at a time and you'll be there! You can do hard things! Just start!" and I thought... so maybe I should take my own advice. I've done hard things before- things I'd never dream I could look back on and think, 'wow- I survived it. I really am happy- even with the trials I've had.' And I believe it's ok to be happy when hard things have happened. Happy is what gets me through.

Happy as a Clam...and an Oyster

This past weekend it was brought to my attention that I often use the phrase 'Happy as a Clam.' I've always liked that phrase, but I've never really thought about it. Where does that phrase come from?

My thought is this: Happiness is always relative. Sometimes we think we're happy (and we are!) but later on we realize we couldn't even fathom how much happiness was possible. For example, when I married my husband, I thought I would never be happier. And then I found out we were pregnant, and I knew a happiness I didn't even know existed. Then I found out is was twins, and happiness grew even more. And then I held those babies, and it was as if I'd never even known how happy I could be...and then they smiled at me....and the happiness just grew and grew.

As life has continued, I've found happiness just grows and changes...and it's all relative! But, back to the clam. Would you rather be an oyster or a clam? My initial reaction is this: If I was an oyster, I'd be a tad irritated about the sand that was stuck inside my mouth, so I would choose to be a clam. The clam knows only happiness- an innocent happiness, if you will. But, upon further reflection, I think I can appreciate the oyster's happiness as well...

The oyster is happy as a clam at first- innocent and peaceful, but then a sharp piece of sand finds it's way into the oyster's world. The shock of it certainly heightens the oysters memories of happiness- a time before this awful trial entered it's life. But the oyster makes a choice. He will not sit there with this irritation a moment longer, but rather decides to work on the problem. Layer by layer he adds covering to the sand, lessening the sharpness, giving of itself in order to make things better and working toward happiness again.

And then, what happens? The oyster releases the trial...the sand...but it's no longer sand- a painful barb in it's life. It has become a rare and beautiful pearl. What happiness this oyster must feel when it realizes it has overcome the trial and produced something amazing in the process! And then, the happiness goes one step further when the oyster looks back at the trial and is able to truly appreciate it, knowing that without the sand, they oyster's true potential would never have been known.

So I will continue to appreciate moments when I'm happy as a clam, because honestly ignorance is often bliss...but I think I'll try to appreciate moments when I'm not as happy as a clam, too...because most likely that's when I have a chance to create a pearl.

Contentment

Contentment is hard to come by in this day and age...but if you get a taste of it, I think it's one of the most precious accomplishments you can attain. I wish I was content with every single aspect of my life- certainly there are things I wish were better, things I hope for, etc., but all in all, I have to say this past week gave me a taste of contentment for all that's in my life.

I was able to hold a brand new precious baby, and though tears were streaming as I held him, it wasn't for sadness but rather because of overwhelming love for him and the joy I felt for his parents and sisters. Many times people ask if I plan to have more children, and though I'd readily accept a surprise from Heaven, I don't feel like that's in the plan. I am completely content with the darlings I've already received! That is a good feeling. It's freeing and peaceful.

I was able to spend many hours lost in conversation with dear friends I met years ago...friends I no longer live near, but when we get together it seems as though nothing has changed. They make me want to be better because they treat me as if I already am. I will forever be grateful and tied to those amazing women.

I was able to spend a couple of days introducing my sweet daughter and darling nieces to some of the things I enjoy most...such as bread fresh from the oven with yummy butter. My little '3 and a half' year old niece (don't forget the half!) was a lovely conversationalist and she reminded me of the joy found in rolling and cutting up play-doh, building castles with blocks, coloring pictures of fairies, and re-doing our hair when it comes out crooked. :-) She laughs easily, and is extremely sweet to those around her. She made me want to be sweeter- to see the world with more wonder.

I was able to spend time reaffirming my faith- learning of and discussing examples of people who have given their lives to sharing truth. I feel joy and peace with the church I know and love- the testimony I have that it is the true church and that following the teachings it provides will lead me to the arms of my Father in Heaven someday.

I was able to return to the loving arms of my husband and boys. Oh, what darling people they are. I am truly blessed...and yes, completely content, with my life. This was a wonderful week, and remembering the many things I have to be content about has provided me with overflowing love and joy. Counting blessings seems to have that effect...

Sweet Release

I've always loved throwing rocks into the water. My little ones seem to have inherited this trait as well. We spent the morning doing just that at a local park. As I sat on the peaceful pebble-filled beach watching the very rocky waves, I thought about things that hold us back- fears, anger, regret, etc. I believe strongly that anything that's bothering us can be turned over to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and He will take that burden upon Himself without question. So, why do the thoughts and fears remain sometimes?

I think it's because our brains crave a physical 'letting go.' We wouldn't hang up the phone without closing the conversation- and if we did, we'd feel the unrest of guilt or unfinished business until we talked to the person again and apologized or worked out the problem. Our brains don't like to leave things unfinished! If something is unfinished, it seems to come up all the time- even when we're not in a position to fix it at that moment. Our brains also seem to like physical evidence of accomplishment. I don't usually consider a task completely finished until I've checked it off of my 'to do' list...regardless of the fact that the item listed is already completed. I think our brains don't just need physical evidence of completing things, they crave it.

Today as I sat listening to my boys challenge one another to throw the rocks further and further, I began to think about throwing rocks. I picked one up, and held it for a very long time. As I sat there holding that rock that fit so perfectly in my hand, I thought of all the fears I could- everything that was bothering me or could possibly bother me. It actually didn't take too long, so I decided to pray as well. I imagined each of my fears going into that rock after I turned them over to my Savior. I held the rock until I was ready to let it go- the rocks, and all the fears that I had placed on it. I threw it as far as it could go. You know what? I felt free.

I know I'm human- I know my fears won't forever stay out of my mind, but there's something to be said for the peace I've felt all day- the joy I've felt as I've been able to enjoy my family and all the crazy aspects of family life...and the lack of time devoted to fear. Surely I'll feel fear again- fear of rejection, fear that I'm not doing my best, fear that my best won't cut it...but I like the idea that all it'll take to find peace is a prayer to my Father in Heaven, pouring out my soul, and perhaps throwing a rock as far as I can so my brain remembers I really did let it go.

Circle of Life

Sometimes things come up in life that direct your thinking toward life's meaning. Am I living as well as I should? How am I spending my time? Am I anxiously engaged in a good cause? Will I have another chance to prove myself? Will I do well with that chance?

I'm not dying, at least not that I know of :-), but few of us really know how long we have left on earth. Whenever you see or hear of someone who is given a length of time to live, you hear of them becoming the people they were always afraid to become, doing things they were always afraid to do...and if by some miracle they survive, their lives are all the better for living and doing and being for the time they believed they were nearly through with this journey. What would I do if I had a limited time left? If I knew I only had a certain amount of time, how would I spend it?

Maybe I should think about working a little harder to become the person I hope to be...you never know how much time you have left- and even if it's many, many years, wouldn't I rather live it knowing I was living it well?

I don't know what I'd change- I certainly wouldn't beat myself up about not having the baseboards cleaned...though I've been doing a fair amount of worrying about it ever since this afternoon when I began cleaning them and didn't finish.

I wouldn't need to go in and cuddle my babies- I did that at bedtime. I even had an extra few moments with Katie where she just laid on my chest while I rocked her and stroked her hair and face. I thought as I held her, 'this is perfect.'

I'd dance with James, but we did that quite a bit off and on yesterday in the 'new room' we've created together- he built the wall, I painted and decorated- it's really peaceful and just what I had hoped.

I'd laugh and sing and play...just like I did in preschool today when I watched Tyler singing his little heart out and thought, 'watching my child happily singing is what joy is all about.'

I'd cheer on Logan and tell him how wonderful I think he is...but I was able to do that today when he walked in after school and shared his excitement at earning a prize from the policeman at school because he was the only student to recite the safety poem they were given last week.

I'd hug my sweet Luke, but I send him 'I love you' wishes as often as I can throughout the day- and I know he hears me every time...and for right now, I truly find peace in knowing he's near and that he's safely working while waiting for us in Heaven.

I guess what I'm realizing is that I really live a charmed life. My dream life. I have everything I want and the things I want that I can't have right now I truly believe I'm working to achieve. I'm not perfect by any means, there's tons of room for improvement. And I love improving- I love planning- I love trying to be better. I also love knowing that tonight at the end of the day, even if this was the last one, it'd have been a great last one. I hope to live each day from here on out in a way that would allow me to think this as my head hits the pillow:'if it had to end today, today was a great one to end on.'

When I first saw this picture I thought it was a sunrise. I read the caption and realized it was a sunset. I guess that's kind of what this post is all about. When the sun is setting on one part of life, it's rising in another- we just have to take advantage of the chance a new day offers...and make it a great one to end on...

Gardenias for Breakfast

I love gardenias. I love the scent that floats on the air when they're nearby. I love the softness of the petals. I love the pure white of the flower and the deep green of the leaves that surrounds them as they grow. I can't remember the first time I encountered this dreamy delight, but I do remember a few choice moments gardenias were present.

The first time that comes to mind was when I was presented with a corsage before attending a dance with my darling husband to be. He knew how much I loved them, and made sure that I had one to adorn my wrist. All evening I floated on air as I danced with this man I loved so dearly, a man that was willing to love who I was and who I wanted to become...a man who didn't treat me like any girl, but who treated me like me....like HIS girl. It makes me giddy to think about that night- and to think about the sweet perfume that surrounded me as we danced. So much to look forward to, so much to appreciate...at this moment I knew everything was perfect, and I would remember it forever.

The second time that comes to mind was when I was jogging with my darling little boys in our 'cadillac' double stroller on an Air Force base in Alabama. I chose a different path every day for our little jaunt, exploring my new surroundings as I went. The air was sticky- the warmth you can only feel in the south that envelops your body the moment you step outdoors. It felt cozy, and happy. I pointed out birds, squirrels, airplanes, etc. to my sweet little almost one year old boys, and then as we neared the golf course, I breathed in and felt it. The air was filled with gardenias...they had to be nearby, I was certain. I couldn't breathe in enough...I kept walking until I found it- I was in awe as I saw the gorgeous gardenias were in full bloom. I had never seen a gardenia growing on a bush- never seen them so lush- never smelled them so fragrant. They were better than I imagined they could be. I appreciated that moment as I stood there, and as I close my eyes I can feel it as if it's happening at this very moment. I can smell the scent of the blossoms, hear my darling little boys sniffing the air to share with me in the joy I found, feel the warmth of the sun on my arms and face, and remember my thoughts: this moment is perfect. I will remember it forever.

I found a book as I was wandering in the library. It was titled "Gardenias for Breakfast." My love for gardenias made it a 'must borrow.' As the story of a woman and her daughter traveling across the country visiting long lost relatives unfolded, I thought of the many women in my life who have taught me and affected my life. There are many. At the end of the book, it offers the question, "what beautiful quality have you been given from two women in your life?" My thoughts immediately went to my mother, a Beauty of Service. Next, my grandmother, a Beauty of Laughter. I was led further in my thoughts to other women- a Beauty of Strength, a Beauty of Unconditional Love, a Beauty of Grace, a Beauty of Loyal Friendship, a Beauty of Understanding. I'm sure there are many more that my mind has yet to uncover. I am grateful for my life- for the many people who fill it. And I am grateful for my dear gardenia memories. I hope there are many more to come.

Work for It

I love this old water pump. I don't necessarily enjoy all the mosquito bites that are inevitable from getting the water from here...but I love the idea of actually pumping the water. It's not often that we have to work for water, but after I have had to 'work' to get the water, it makes it all the more satisfying to use...and I'm much more careful with how I use it. I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes from working for things. I love checking off boxes. I love going in a room after I've cleaned it to review my work. I love looking at 'to do' lists I've completed.

A dear friend of mine is on a quest to become a 'classy lady.' Personally, I think she has lots of class, but I was intrigued when she suggested a 'Classy Lady Challenge.' There are a possible 10 points each day, one point for each item. Sunday earns the challenger 10 points regardless of her behavior. The items are:
1. No eating after 8 pm.
2. Drink 48 oz. of water a day.
3. Exercise for 45 min. a day.
4. No soda or snacks that aren't good for you.
5. No sweets. (I rarely earn this one by choice.)
6. Read scriptures for 15 min. a day.
7. Write in your journal.
8. Complete one random act of kindness.
9. Eat 2 fruits and 2 veggies each day.
10. Get 7 hours of sleep each day. (Naps count.)

As I've done this challenge, I am noticing how good I feel on the days I get more points. I can only imagine how I'll feel if I can actually earn 10 points a day! I'm averaging about 7 points right now, and in all honesty I'm really proud. I am so grateful for friends that encourage me to do better....to actually work. Sometimes not eating after 8 is serious work. Sometimes doing that final 15 minutes of exercise is serious work. Sometimes finding another vegetable to eat is work. Sometimes resisting one chip off my son's lunch plate is work. But when I accomplish that 'work' I always get a little thrill. "YES! I passed!" I love passing the test. We're doing our challenge until May 1. If I feel this good a few weeks in, I can only imagine how I'll feel when some of these points have become habits. For now, I'm grateful to check off boxes...and to know I'm progressing...even if only to get a real view of where I stand on each item. (Who knew that you could read so much in the scriptures in 15 minutes...or how little water I actually drink each day!!) Thank you, Laura, for starting me on the path to classiness. Cheers!

Follow the Leader

I had a dream last night that I was driving without using my gps. I was happy, singing to the radio, and then after a while decided I'd been driving for quite a while and should be there by now. I pulled off the road only to find out that I had two cars following behind me- and they were rather upset when I told them I didn't know where we were or the address of where we were going. I didn't know I was leading!!

Well, the more I thought about this, the more I realized...we are ALWAYS leading. Someone is usually following us...kids, family, random people we don't realize are watching our example, etc. So where are we leading them? Do we know where we're heading? I'm going to try harder to make sure my 'gps' is on (aka my ability to receive inspiration from the Holy Ghost) so that no matter who is following, I know I'm leading myself and them toward becoming more like the Savior.

Just Breathe

Hawaii is one of those places that you can't help but get a glimpse of Heaven. Everywhere you look there is a breathtaking vista! This is the 'Blowhole' located on Oahu. There's a large hole in the rock that extends over the water. When a wave comes in, the hole fills with water, and then at the last moment this huge mist comes shooting out the top. It's really fascinating to watch!

It makes me think of how often those waves come crashing into us- we don't think we can stand it, but we do...and then at some moment usually after the fact, we let loose- everything that's been bottled up tries to shoot out at the same time...and it does....and then it subsides...and finally there's peace. We breathe. We realize we're strong enough to handle even the toughest 'wave.' And we are. We were made to survive. We are made to LIVE. Heavenly Father has created us to learn, to live, to experience, and to trust.

Next time something comes crashing into us, take a moment to remember it'll all subside eventually. For now, your job is to breathe.

Clear the Mist

I've always been fascinated by water- I love the sound of it trickling in a stream, love to watch it race down a river, love the view of the ocean, etc. Water has the ability to cleanse, to save, to generate power, to sustain life.

As I watched this water pour over the side of Niagara Falls, I was fascinated with the awe-inspiring sight. The longer I gazed at the view, the more I noticed the mist. I found myself wishing it would clear so I could see the water falling behind it. Every now and then the wind would blow allowing a glimmer of what the mist hid to shine through, but I was never able to appreciate the entire view at one time. I decided instead to focus on the beauty I COULD see...the water not hidden by rising mist.

It made me think about how in my own life I'm often focused on the mist rather than the beauty in front of me...the blessings I CAN see...the blessings I CAN count. Often so much is going on that we can't get a clear view of how blessed our lives really are. What if I could really comprehend the many, many blessings that surround me and not even acknowledge the mist- the self-imposed worries, the trials, the things I allow to get in the way?

So, my thought for the day: Focus on the spots where there isn't any mist, appreciate them, and have faith in the good that's hidden behind the mist...the blessings just waiting behind the trials. Eventually the wind will blow enough for you to appreciate what's behind the mist as well.