Playing with Fire

Every so often (read: every 28 days on the dot) I get a little more 'fire-y' than normal. Witty comments have a bit more bite, frustrations come out with a bit more exhaustion or anger, I'm unwilling to admit much fault if any, and molehills become, well, mountains. In my mind I'm often thinking, 'I'm finally be truthful' or 'I'm finally saying 'no' rather than just doing what everyone wants'...but when I come back to the "3/4 of the month" me, I can readily admit that's not really the case- what I'm REALLY doing during that 7 days of...not heaven....is playing with fire.

I was never one to play with fire. I didn't like running my hand over the flame quick to see the black on my fingers. I didn't lick my fingers and put out a flame. I loved Smokey the Bear and listened to him and all his rules. Don't get me wrong- I was one of the fastest fire starters at camp- I loved making fires- but it had to be done the right way (I prefer the teepee with the kindling and then a log cabin with the larger logs) and in the right place (in a fire pit surrounded by rocks with a bucket of water nearby)...not just for 'fun.'

And here I am now...left at the end of my "Fire Week" with black soot on my fingers. I've been playing with fire again this month. Granted I got my fire down to about three days where it was truly noticeable, but I think those three days probably made up for the four I controlled myself, thereby erasing any success I achieved at the start of my week. Why does this happen again and again? Why would Heavenly Father place such a difficult chemical imbalance one week every month?

My thought is this: we learn by repetition. Practice makes perfect. Once a month I get an opportunity to try to 'bridle my passions' (not in a physical sense so much as an emotional one) and gain a little more control over the natural man. It's not my spiritual side that wants to be horrible- it's the natural man side. The spiritual side of me feels sad when I decide the world is against me and it's time again to fight back...the spiritual side is what keeps whispering, 'you're better than this'...and what eventually makes me feel guilty, repent, and try again to have more self-control.

So once a month I've been given an opportunity to gain a little more self-control. Once a month I get an opportunity to test the strategies I work on throughout the month to create more peace and serenity in my life and those of my family members. And thankfully, after that week of fire, I can come back to myself and evaluate how I did...thereby working even harder for the next 3 weeks to gain the skills I need to combat my fire again next month.

I have this book from when I was little- I still read it to my kids. Smokey Bear gave us this guidance with fire: Only YOU can prevent forest fires. When that fire advisory is high (every 28 days), I need to be extra careful with my fire. I need to start by setting up the structure for success- the rocks to surround my fire and keep it controlled. I'll start with the basics- studying scriptures, writing in my journal, praying sincerely, reading uplifting books, planning and safeguarding time to be quiet and meditate, exercise, etc. I have to make sure I keep those rocks in place as I enter fire advisory week as well...it seems it just takes one to disappear and that fire is sneaking out the hole and tearing down the forest in no time!

Besides building the fire pit, I need to fill that water bucket- so if anything gets out of hand I can douse it quickly. My goal this month? Meditation. "Peace be still" has always been my mantra of choice...and when I'm actually using it, I do find that it quiets the fire. The goal now must be to make thinking my mantra and breathing calmly as a reaction to stress, rather than an action I have to think to use. Because I'll be honest...when that fire is burning, I don't really care to choose a peaceful action- it's easier just to run around blazing and blaming everyone else for the problems. I realize the effect though- words can't be taken back, moments I've been indifferent can't be replaced with love, and inspiration I've missed out on can't be re-received.

I'm ready to stand up and try again. I'm feeling quite hopeful- like controlling myself amidst the fire of the natural man may actually be doable. I better get started- I've only got 21 days left to train. :-D