Circle of Life

Sometimes things come up in life that direct your thinking toward life's meaning. Am I living as well as I should? How am I spending my time? Am I anxiously engaged in a good cause? Will I have another chance to prove myself? Will I do well with that chance?

I'm not dying, at least not that I know of :-), but few of us really know how long we have left on earth. Whenever you see or hear of someone who is given a length of time to live, you hear of them becoming the people they were always afraid to become, doing things they were always afraid to do...and if by some miracle they survive, their lives are all the better for living and doing and being for the time they believed they were nearly through with this journey. What would I do if I had a limited time left? If I knew I only had a certain amount of time, how would I spend it?

Maybe I should think about working a little harder to become the person I hope to be...you never know how much time you have left- and even if it's many, many years, wouldn't I rather live it knowing I was living it well?

I don't know what I'd change- I certainly wouldn't beat myself up about not having the baseboards cleaned...though I've been doing a fair amount of worrying about it ever since this afternoon when I began cleaning them and didn't finish.

I wouldn't need to go in and cuddle my babies- I did that at bedtime. I even had an extra few moments with Katie where she just laid on my chest while I rocked her and stroked her hair and face. I thought as I held her, 'this is perfect.'

I'd dance with James, but we did that quite a bit off and on yesterday in the 'new room' we've created together- he built the wall, I painted and decorated- it's really peaceful and just what I had hoped.

I'd laugh and sing and play...just like I did in preschool today when I watched Tyler singing his little heart out and thought, 'watching my child happily singing is what joy is all about.'

I'd cheer on Logan and tell him how wonderful I think he is...but I was able to do that today when he walked in after school and shared his excitement at earning a prize from the policeman at school because he was the only student to recite the safety poem they were given last week.

I'd hug my sweet Luke, but I send him 'I love you' wishes as often as I can throughout the day- and I know he hears me every time...and for right now, I truly find peace in knowing he's near and that he's safely working while waiting for us in Heaven.

I guess what I'm realizing is that I really live a charmed life. My dream life. I have everything I want and the things I want that I can't have right now I truly believe I'm working to achieve. I'm not perfect by any means, there's tons of room for improvement. And I love improving- I love planning- I love trying to be better. I also love knowing that tonight at the end of the day, even if this was the last one, it'd have been a great last one. I hope to live each day from here on out in a way that would allow me to think this as my head hits the pillow:'if it had to end today, today was a great one to end on.'

When I first saw this picture I thought it was a sunrise. I read the caption and realized it was a sunset. I guess that's kind of what this post is all about. When the sun is setting on one part of life, it's rising in another- we just have to take advantage of the chance a new day offers...and make it a great one to end on...

Gardenias for Breakfast

I love gardenias. I love the scent that floats on the air when they're nearby. I love the softness of the petals. I love the pure white of the flower and the deep green of the leaves that surrounds them as they grow. I can't remember the first time I encountered this dreamy delight, but I do remember a few choice moments gardenias were present.

The first time that comes to mind was when I was presented with a corsage before attending a dance with my darling husband to be. He knew how much I loved them, and made sure that I had one to adorn my wrist. All evening I floated on air as I danced with this man I loved so dearly, a man that was willing to love who I was and who I wanted to become...a man who didn't treat me like any girl, but who treated me like me....like HIS girl. It makes me giddy to think about that night- and to think about the sweet perfume that surrounded me as we danced. So much to look forward to, so much to appreciate...at this moment I knew everything was perfect, and I would remember it forever.

The second time that comes to mind was when I was jogging with my darling little boys in our 'cadillac' double stroller on an Air Force base in Alabama. I chose a different path every day for our little jaunt, exploring my new surroundings as I went. The air was sticky- the warmth you can only feel in the south that envelops your body the moment you step outdoors. It felt cozy, and happy. I pointed out birds, squirrels, airplanes, etc. to my sweet little almost one year old boys, and then as we neared the golf course, I breathed in and felt it. The air was filled with gardenias...they had to be nearby, I was certain. I couldn't breathe in enough...I kept walking until I found it- I was in awe as I saw the gorgeous gardenias were in full bloom. I had never seen a gardenia growing on a bush- never seen them so lush- never smelled them so fragrant. They were better than I imagined they could be. I appreciated that moment as I stood there, and as I close my eyes I can feel it as if it's happening at this very moment. I can smell the scent of the blossoms, hear my darling little boys sniffing the air to share with me in the joy I found, feel the warmth of the sun on my arms and face, and remember my thoughts: this moment is perfect. I will remember it forever.

I found a book as I was wandering in the library. It was titled "Gardenias for Breakfast." My love for gardenias made it a 'must borrow.' As the story of a woman and her daughter traveling across the country visiting long lost relatives unfolded, I thought of the many women in my life who have taught me and affected my life. There are many. At the end of the book, it offers the question, "what beautiful quality have you been given from two women in your life?" My thoughts immediately went to my mother, a Beauty of Service. Next, my grandmother, a Beauty of Laughter. I was led further in my thoughts to other women- a Beauty of Strength, a Beauty of Unconditional Love, a Beauty of Grace, a Beauty of Loyal Friendship, a Beauty of Understanding. I'm sure there are many more that my mind has yet to uncover. I am grateful for my life- for the many people who fill it. And I am grateful for my dear gardenia memories. I hope there are many more to come.