You Can't Trip Over a Mountain

"Nobody trips over mountains. It's the small pebble that causes you to stumble.

Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain."

A few years ago, I sat on the edge of the water and picked up a pebble.  I wanted one that would be dark and gloomy...one that seemed to embody the specific fear I'd held within me for far too long.  Once I found a rock that seemed to fit, I held the pebble and squeezed my hand tight.  I prayed that I would be able to release my fear once and for all...through prayer, and as a symbolic physical gesture, when I threw the rock to the depths of the water.  I imagined all the feelings and thoughts that could possibly remind me of that fear, and then I pretended they were leaving my body and filling the rock.  With a final 'amen' I drew my hand back and threw the pebble as far as I could.  I watched my "fear" and everything negative that went with it sink to the bottom of the lake.  I was free.  I felt peace.  It felt good enough to repeat with another fear...and another...and then a regret...and then another.  I tried to think of more to get off my chest, but eventually I could think of nothing more I wanted to let go.  I was at peace.  I felt reflective.  I felt hope.

When I came across the quote regarding pebbles preventing you to cross your mountain and not the mountain tripping you up, I decided I need to make another change.  I don't have many regrets or sins or fears that I need to fill pebbles with and throw into deep water, but I certainly have things that I DON'T do consistently that I would like to.  Why should I worry about it?  Because I, like many others, would love to be perfect one day.  I'd love to be remembered as successful- someone who achieved all she could possibly have achieved during her life on this earth.  So the next step would be to determine what exactly is 'perfect?'

I believe that we are perfect when we are habitually living in the manner we deem 'right.'  I think I live a good life- I do most of the things I think I should most of the time...but what would I attain if I did ALL the things I think I should ALL of the time?  I don't mean the things other people tell you to do, or things you feel guilted into doing, I mean things- habits- that you've wanted to master but you haven't yet.  What if we actually 'practiced' perfection?

As I began reading The Habit Factor, I was thrilled with each realization that washed over me.  This is the next step I need to take.  If I want to work towards perfection, I need to either create (or at very least 'firm up') positive habits that would lead me toward my goals.  PRACTICE perfection!  It sounds so simple!

I determined that I will use this year to enhance my good habits further, and tear down some of the more negative habits in my life to replace them with positive ones.  I'm excited.  I'm hopeful. I feel like I'm back on that shoreline trying to pick out the exact pebble to start with...the pebble that will make the biggest difference in my life and the lives of those around me.  Time to start tossing those pebbles out of my path and find out what's actually on the other side of this mountain.  You with me?  :-)

SEAgulls

Did you know that seagulls rarely venture very far out to sea?  Did you know that they are considered smart and sometimes use tools such as bread to bait goldfish?  Did you know that many seagull colonies have "displayed mobbing behavior, attacking and harassing would-be predators and other intruders?"  These seagulls are pretty amazing birds, if you ask me.  So what, you may ask, can I learn from a seagull?  I'm in the mood to write, so pardon my reach as I seek for a lesson from seagulls. 

Why not venture out to sea?  We've titled them "SEA"gulls...certainly they should go out to sea, right?  I'm guessing no one personally asked a seagull about itself prior to tagging it with the label "seagull".  If they had, they may have discovered that these birds don't in fact like to venture very far over the sea.  Perhaps the Labeler could have more correctly titled them "Coastgulls"  or "Beachgulls" or "Wherever-the-food-is-gulls."  Regardless of their name, however, these birds don't change their behavior to fit the label.  They stick with who they are- not who someone says they should be.  :-)  Get where this is going? 

Have you ever been labeled with a description that you knew in your heart wasn't really you?  Have you ever grown out of a label that at one time may have fit but now doesn't...but others continue to refer to your old "name?"  It's hard to prove you are or you're not what people say...and I could probably write about that a bit, but I think there's a bigger lesson we can take from the seagulls. 

Seagulls don't let the label change who they are.  They probably could care less about the name we've chosen for them...they know who they are and don't dwell on how that makes other people feel, or worry about living up to the expectations of others...they just keep flying near the coast and looking for food.  Doesn't that sound simple?  Be you...regardless of what others think you should be...and you'll survive.  If the seagulls actually went out to sea as their label says they should, they likely wouldn't survive long...similar to the idea that you can only last so long without being your true self.  So tonight I going to think a bit about who I know I am...not the labels I've been trying to prove right or wrong. 

Isn't life easier when your worry is on finding food and protecting your family...rather than being something you're not?!

Playing with Fire

Every so often (read: every 28 days on the dot) I get a little more 'fire-y' than normal. Witty comments have a bit more bite, frustrations come out with a bit more exhaustion or anger, I'm unwilling to admit much fault if any, and molehills become, well, mountains. In my mind I'm often thinking, 'I'm finally be truthful' or 'I'm finally saying 'no' rather than just doing what everyone wants'...but when I come back to the "3/4 of the month" me, I can readily admit that's not really the case- what I'm REALLY doing during that 7 days of...not heaven....is playing with fire.

I was never one to play with fire. I didn't like running my hand over the flame quick to see the black on my fingers. I didn't lick my fingers and put out a flame. I loved Smokey the Bear and listened to him and all his rules. Don't get me wrong- I was one of the fastest fire starters at camp- I loved making fires- but it had to be done the right way (I prefer the teepee with the kindling and then a log cabin with the larger logs) and in the right place (in a fire pit surrounded by rocks with a bucket of water nearby)...not just for 'fun.'

And here I am now...left at the end of my "Fire Week" with black soot on my fingers. I've been playing with fire again this month. Granted I got my fire down to about three days where it was truly noticeable, but I think those three days probably made up for the four I controlled myself, thereby erasing any success I achieved at the start of my week. Why does this happen again and again? Why would Heavenly Father place such a difficult chemical imbalance one week every month?

My thought is this: we learn by repetition. Practice makes perfect. Once a month I get an opportunity to try to 'bridle my passions' (not in a physical sense so much as an emotional one) and gain a little more control over the natural man. It's not my spiritual side that wants to be horrible- it's the natural man side. The spiritual side of me feels sad when I decide the world is against me and it's time again to fight back...the spiritual side is what keeps whispering, 'you're better than this'...and what eventually makes me feel guilty, repent, and try again to have more self-control.

So once a month I've been given an opportunity to gain a little more self-control. Once a month I get an opportunity to test the strategies I work on throughout the month to create more peace and serenity in my life and those of my family members. And thankfully, after that week of fire, I can come back to myself and evaluate how I did...thereby working even harder for the next 3 weeks to gain the skills I need to combat my fire again next month.

I have this book from when I was little- I still read it to my kids. Smokey Bear gave us this guidance with fire: Only YOU can prevent forest fires. When that fire advisory is high (every 28 days), I need to be extra careful with my fire. I need to start by setting up the structure for success- the rocks to surround my fire and keep it controlled. I'll start with the basics- studying scriptures, writing in my journal, praying sincerely, reading uplifting books, planning and safeguarding time to be quiet and meditate, exercise, etc. I have to make sure I keep those rocks in place as I enter fire advisory week as well...it seems it just takes one to disappear and that fire is sneaking out the hole and tearing down the forest in no time!

Besides building the fire pit, I need to fill that water bucket- so if anything gets out of hand I can douse it quickly. My goal this month? Meditation. "Peace be still" has always been my mantra of choice...and when I'm actually using it, I do find that it quiets the fire. The goal now must be to make thinking my mantra and breathing calmly as a reaction to stress, rather than an action I have to think to use. Because I'll be honest...when that fire is burning, I don't really care to choose a peaceful action- it's easier just to run around blazing and blaming everyone else for the problems. I realize the effect though- words can't be taken back, moments I've been indifferent can't be replaced with love, and inspiration I've missed out on can't be re-received.

I'm ready to stand up and try again. I'm feeling quite hopeful- like controlling myself amidst the fire of the natural man may actually be doable. I better get started- I've only got 21 days left to train. :-D

Running

"What are you running TOWARD?"

I read these words a while back when I was contemplating my next big beginning of the year goal, and I loved the imagery of it. The article went on to explain that if you imagine the "reached your goal" you ahead of you cheering you on and the "icky old you" in your dust where you used to be, you'll have a more successful workout. I wanted to do that. I wanted to leave the old me in my dust and become this beautiful champion at the finish line. So we bought a treadmill. And I started, and stopped, and started, and stopped. I don't often complete things...but as I thought about this past year, I realized that I have begun to leave that 'non-finisher' in my dust...and it makes me want to CHEER!

I love running. Ten years ago I never would have said that or even thought that those words would come out of my mouth unless I was quoting someone else...and yet, today- they are mine. I LOVE running. Mostly I love how I feel when I'm done. I love how sweaty I get. I love the confidence it builds when I realize I'm actually going to reach a mini-goal (for example: finish this minute and THEN slow down.) I love appreciating nature as I'm outside, and I love the smiles of my kiddos when they come down to find me on the treadmill. I also love my shoes. I mean LOVE them. When I put them on, I feel comfortable...and ready. I feel anticipation at the work ahead of me, and excitement because I know how much I love the taste of accomplishment.

So in my goal to leave the old sloppy unfit me behind, I've actually reached another goal. It's October and I've been running since January with only minor breaks in my training. I'm healthier, I'm happier...and I'm finishing a goal I set MONTHS ago. I get to run a half-marathon in December with my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law...and I'm going to be ready. It's awesome to know I'm doing it...and I'm running towards the new me who really will be cheering as she crosses the finish line. Anything is possible!!!

You Can Do Hard Things...and so can I

We all can! I was watching Biggest Loser this evening and listening to heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story. Some made me cry, some made me shake my head in frustration with how awful people can be to people- sometimes even their own family! As I watched, I kept thinking about my own life. I'm not dealing with issues of weight loss as those contestants were, but I certainly have things I'd like to change- some habits that probably do cause upset in my family. If I finished what I started, we'd always have a clean home. We'd always have a balanced meal each evening that I'd lovingly prepared. We'd have perfectly well behaved children because I would never get frustrated and would calmly and fairly deal with each and every situation that required correction...

But that's not real life. I don't finish what I start- at least not yet. But I CAN do hard things. I've done things way harder in my past than just finish what I start. Holding my son as he passed away was hard. Explaining what was happening over the phone to my husband who was on a business trip with no flights left to catch that evening to make it before our son passed was harder. Looking into the eyes of my sweet two year old who had just lost his twin brother and having to explain that he was going to help take care of the new baby while his brother went to help Jesus in Heaven was harder than that. But I did them. And the last one I even did with a smile so my little guy would know it was ok. I wasn't ok- but I knew I wasn't alone.

The Lord will never leave us alone. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to turn to Him in time of trial and to rely on his guidance and open arms. He wants to hear our prays where we sob and pour our heart out...and he wants to send peace immediately thereafter. He does! I know He does. So many times I've felt the outpouring of His love.

As I watched the show tonight, I thought about the wishes I had for those people. "Believe in yourself! You can do it! Just take it one day at a time and you'll be there! You can do hard things! Just start!" and I thought... so maybe I should take my own advice. I've done hard things before- things I'd never dream I could look back on and think, 'wow- I survived it. I really am happy- even with the trials I've had.' And I believe it's ok to be happy when hard things have happened. Happy is what gets me through.

Happy as a Clam...and an Oyster

This past weekend it was brought to my attention that I often use the phrase 'Happy as a Clam.' I've always liked that phrase, but I've never really thought about it. Where does that phrase come from?

My thought is this: Happiness is always relative. Sometimes we think we're happy (and we are!) but later on we realize we couldn't even fathom how much happiness was possible. For example, when I married my husband, I thought I would never be happier. And then I found out we were pregnant, and I knew a happiness I didn't even know existed. Then I found out is was twins, and happiness grew even more. And then I held those babies, and it was as if I'd never even known how happy I could be...and then they smiled at me....and the happiness just grew and grew.

As life has continued, I've found happiness just grows and changes...and it's all relative! But, back to the clam. Would you rather be an oyster or a clam? My initial reaction is this: If I was an oyster, I'd be a tad irritated about the sand that was stuck inside my mouth, so I would choose to be a clam. The clam knows only happiness- an innocent happiness, if you will. But, upon further reflection, I think I can appreciate the oyster's happiness as well...

The oyster is happy as a clam at first- innocent and peaceful, but then a sharp piece of sand finds it's way into the oyster's world. The shock of it certainly heightens the oysters memories of happiness- a time before this awful trial entered it's life. But the oyster makes a choice. He will not sit there with this irritation a moment longer, but rather decides to work on the problem. Layer by layer he adds covering to the sand, lessening the sharpness, giving of itself in order to make things better and working toward happiness again.

And then, what happens? The oyster releases the trial...the sand...but it's no longer sand- a painful barb in it's life. It has become a rare and beautiful pearl. What happiness this oyster must feel when it realizes it has overcome the trial and produced something amazing in the process! And then, the happiness goes one step further when the oyster looks back at the trial and is able to truly appreciate it, knowing that without the sand, they oyster's true potential would never have been known.

So I will continue to appreciate moments when I'm happy as a clam, because honestly ignorance is often bliss...but I think I'll try to appreciate moments when I'm not as happy as a clam, too...because most likely that's when I have a chance to create a pearl.

Contentment

Contentment is hard to come by in this day and age...but if you get a taste of it, I think it's one of the most precious accomplishments you can attain. I wish I was content with every single aspect of my life- certainly there are things I wish were better, things I hope for, etc., but all in all, I have to say this past week gave me a taste of contentment for all that's in my life.

I was able to hold a brand new precious baby, and though tears were streaming as I held him, it wasn't for sadness but rather because of overwhelming love for him and the joy I felt for his parents and sisters. Many times people ask if I plan to have more children, and though I'd readily accept a surprise from Heaven, I don't feel like that's in the plan. I am completely content with the darlings I've already received! That is a good feeling. It's freeing and peaceful.

I was able to spend many hours lost in conversation with dear friends I met years ago...friends I no longer live near, but when we get together it seems as though nothing has changed. They make me want to be better because they treat me as if I already am. I will forever be grateful and tied to those amazing women.

I was able to spend a couple of days introducing my sweet daughter and darling nieces to some of the things I enjoy most...such as bread fresh from the oven with yummy butter. My little '3 and a half' year old niece (don't forget the half!) was a lovely conversationalist and she reminded me of the joy found in rolling and cutting up play-doh, building castles with blocks, coloring pictures of fairies, and re-doing our hair when it comes out crooked. :-) She laughs easily, and is extremely sweet to those around her. She made me want to be sweeter- to see the world with more wonder.

I was able to spend time reaffirming my faith- learning of and discussing examples of people who have given their lives to sharing truth. I feel joy and peace with the church I know and love- the testimony I have that it is the true church and that following the teachings it provides will lead me to the arms of my Father in Heaven someday.

I was able to return to the loving arms of my husband and boys. Oh, what darling people they are. I am truly blessed...and yes, completely content, with my life. This was a wonderful week, and remembering the many things I have to be content about has provided me with overflowing love and joy. Counting blessings seems to have that effect...